Silence Is Golden?

No, this time it's stupid. A Catholic school in Warwick, RI has declared a "silent lunch" policy--no talking, no getting up, and only one trip to the trash can....or ELSE!

Kids? Talking during lunch? Telling jokes and talking about their favorite TV shows? This has got to be stopped!

The principal claims it's because there were "three choking incidents," and "if the lunch room is loud, we cannot hear if a child is choking."

First of all, people who are choking don't make noise, at least not much. But why stop there? A kid could be dying of food poison, and how would you know if they slumped down on the table. I say make all the kids stand at attention while eating!

And we wouldn't even have choking if the schools didn't serve their dangerous foods. From now on: pudding, jell-0 and liquified protein--all eaten through a straw!

I mean, come on, folks: Don't you love your children? If you do, how can you possibly keep exposing them to the dangers of spaghetti, pizza and (shudder) hot dogs?! It's time to get serious about safety. And when I see kids walking the halls of St. Rose of Lima in helmets and kevlar uniforms, maybe I'll be able to finally sleep easily at night.

UPDATE: This came in from Philip, who works with the Boston schools to provide lunches:

I’ve got a story for you. We use what are called sporks (fork and a spoon mixed); at one of our middle schools we had sent tuna fish salad for one of the lunch items. In this situation we would send the bread in a bag with the rest in a plastic container, tuna in one section, lettuce and tomato in another. We would do this so the kids could enjoy a fresh tuna sandwich without the soggy bread.

I got a call from one of my staff asking me to immediately come out to her school. When I got there I watched as students that wanted a tuna sandwich try to make them without a spork. Do you know what they used? Yes you are correct: their hands. When was the last time you made your children make a
sandwich with only their hands? Nice and we wonder why they act like animals.

As I found out from my employee that it was the Asst. Principal that told her not to use the sporks, I approached the Asst. Principals to ask why. You’re right: because sporks are "weapons." I had to call [a co-worker] who had to call the director of operations who had to call the principal to get the children sporks. Efficient.

Yes he is still working for our great city. He also has stopped us from sending them grapes. They are slippery on the floor. Now understand this from my view other than just being stupid, grapes fall into the fruit category fruits and vegetables are the hardest food group for us to get kids to eat. They love grapes, they eat grapes and yes there are some that might even throw grapes. So yes lets deny kids grapes now.

Brilliant.