When Bad Things Happen To Good People

Why do "underage" college kids drink beer? Is it because, well, they like it? They think it's idiotic to tell a 20-year-old adult he can't have an Amstel Light?

No, it's the beer's fault. The bad beer made them do it. Which is why the state of Massachusetts this weekend is "executing" 20 cases of beer and 150 bottles of liquor confiscated in underage drinking enforcement actions. At least, I assume that's why Treasurer Cahill is destroying this otherwise perfectly good alcohol (I've already volunteered to incarcerate all the booze in question, either in my refrigerator or liquor cabinet, at no expense to the Commonwealth).

If you think punishing the slow gin because some sorority girl was caught with it at a kegger is odd, consider this comment from DA Dan Conley regarding the murder of a shopkeeper by a Dorchester teen earlier this week:

Suffolk District Attorney Daniel Conley called the shooting a tragedy. “Once again, an illegal gun has struck down an innocent family man, and once again a young man may pay for his actions for the rest of his life,” he said.

I'm sorry--who "struck down an innocent family?" Was it the teen thug who robbed the victim of $60 at gunpoint? No, it was that evil "illegal gun."

There are illegal guns, of course. A bazooka is an extreme example of an illegal gun. And there are bad guns. A gun that, when properly loaded, pop a cap in the aspirations of the hoodlum at which it is pointed is a "bad" gun and needs to be replaced or repaired.

But unless the media are hiding something, it doesn't appear that the gun used by this murderer was illegal cut or modified in any way. It is a gun that I could legally purchase and properly use to defend my family.

Nothing wrong with the gun. The guy carrying it? Oh, he's lousy. He's a thief and a killer. But the gun? No problem at all.

DA Conley clearly doesn't agree. Neither does Mayor Menino, who constantly complains of the scourge of "illegal guns."

This fear of inanimate objects is a bit, well, weird. Naughty beer, illegal guns, bottles of alcohol with bad attitudes. Perhaps it's time to open the "Massachusetts Home For Guns Gone Wrong." Maybe a concerned local priest could start "Beer Town," modeled after "Boys Town," where the motto is "There are no bad beers. Just warm ones."

Once again, I am willing to do my part. I will take every "illegal gun" the District Attorney has and store them at my home. I pledge that I will keep them out of trouble, off the streets and have them in bed every night at 8pm sharp. Perhaps I just have a way with feisty firearms, but I guarantee that these "illegal guns" will instantly end their lives of crime.

Honest, Mayor. Guns aren't really bad. You just have to know how to handle them.

If you read the entire Boston Herald story, you'll notice the sympathy among the prosecutors for the killer in this case. There's a sense of regret, rather than justice, that this murderer might "pay for his actions for the rest of his life."

He might, that's true. But the poor dead guy he gunned down over three $20 bills definitely paid with the rest of his life.