The CPAC Speeches You WON'T Hear Today

This afternoon, Sen. John McCain is scheduled to appear at the Conservative Political Action Conference - the single most prominent gathering of conservatives in America. Many GOP officials want McCain to use this opportunity to reach out to the disaffected conservative base of the GOP.

What follows is the speech conservatives would like to hear from McCain, but never will.

My friends:

I was wrong.

I was wrong about illegal immigration, because I was more worried about appearing intolerant than I was about the rule of law and national security.

I was wrong about campaign finance reform, because I cared more about positive press than protecting the First Amendment.

I was wrong when I opposed, as I called them at the time, tax cuts for the rich, because I wanted to please the New York Times, not promote conservative economics.

But now, I understand. Thanks to your principled opposition, I have seen the error of my ways. In fact, just moments ago in the green room, Mike Huckabee led me through the sinner's prayer, hallelujah.

I am a changed man. I love tax cuts. I can’t wait to build a border fence. And when it comes to waterboarding terrorists, well, if we catch some al-Qaeda wannabe who knows about an imminent terrorist attack, I’ll hold the little [expletive deleted’s] head under the water myself.

And I will proudly do so under the watchful eye of my choice for Vice President, Rush Limbaugh.


This, on the other hand, is the speech Sen. McCain would love to give at CPAC, but never will.


Hello, losers!

Now that I’ve kicked your conservative aspirations up and down the Electoral College map, let’s get a few things straight: I never liked you, either.

You talk-radio yahoos and Bible-thumping rubes can squeal like the cast of “Deliverance” - or as you call it, video from your last family reunion - but I don’t care. I’m not one of you. Never have been.

Why do you think I keep going out of my way to pick fights with you? Seriously - campaign finance reform, the Gang of 14 fight over conservative judges, illegal immigration? This is stuff that only two groups of people care about: right-wing nuts like you, and members of the mainstream media.

You think I am really pumped up about promoting illegal immigration? I’m from Arizona, for cryin’ out loud. Of course allowing 12 million illegal immigrants to stay in this country, make money and receive tax-funded services, is amnesty. I only deny it because it drives you cranks completely crazy.

You call talk radio and complain about me, I compare you all to racists from the Jim Crow South, and Newsweek does another story about my courage.

I’m not some anti-government activist from Huckaburg. My father and grandfather were both Navy admirals. I’ve spent most of my life with Beltway swells in politics and the media.

I like government. As the Weekly Standard wrote about me, my goal is to end the anti-government era of Gingrich and Reagan. I’m for a strong, good government run by strong, good people like, well, me.

So we’re gonna have amnesty, and we’re gonna have gas taxes to fight global warming and all the rest. And if Rush Limbaugh and his pals don’t like it, wait until I control the FCC. Keep messing with me, and they won’t be able to get a license to use a CB radio.

What are you gonna do about it - sic Mitt Romney on me? My 96-year-old mother can handle that walking hair cut.

You conservatives had your chance. Now it’s my turn.

[From the Boston Herald today]