The Best Description Of Soccer I've Ever Read

Courtesy of our pal Jim Geraghty at TKS:

I’ve now watched large portions of the U.S.-Czech Republic, U.S.-Italy, U.S.-Ghana, England-Portugal, Italy-Germany and France-Portugal games, quite a few hours of soccer, and I’ve seen… six goals, not counting end-of-overtime penalty kicks. Two were on during-the-game penalty kicks. (In the U.S. games, I’ve missed several goals before I arrived.)

I don’t know if an American audience will ever be enthralled by, “kick… kick… pass… pass… oh, the other guy got it. Now the other guys try to advance. Kick… kick… pass… pass… out of bounds, throw-in. Kick… Kick… out of bounds, corner kick. Oh, two guys ran into each other, each one is insisting the other hit him. The stretcher comes out. They wave off the stretcher. Kick. Kick. Another run-in. Somebody’s getting a yellow card. The offender is giving the universal, “Who, me?” reaction. Kick, kick. Out of bounds. Throw in. Kick. One team’s coach is making wild arm gestures, the other is smoking. Kick. Header. Kick. Annnnd… SHOT ON GOAL! The fans wake up and go insane with excitement! But the goalie caught it. He punts it to the other end of the field, er, pitch. And… it’s in the hands of the other goalie. He punts it back. Header. Kick. Kick. Pass. Oh, wait, somebody’s lying on the ground again, insisting the other guy elbowed him.” (Repeat for forty-five minutes, plus injury time.)